In A Confessional Mood
Ever have one of those "is this all there is?" moments? I think I'm having one now.
Maybe it has something to do with the New Year, or maybe it's the fact that I was looking in the mirror a little while ago and I realized how unmistakable my widow's peak is becoming. Or maybe it's just the lingering effects of a virus that I've been trying to shake for days now. But whatever the reason, it's nearly 11:00 p.m. on a school night, I have to go back to work in the morning, and I just can't seem to get to sleep. There's too much stuff running around in my head.
I'm sort of afraid that my girlfriend or a family member will read this (I'm told that they do check in occasionally) and think that this strange restlessness comes from some sort of dissatisfaction with them. Believe me, it doesn't. I love them all more than I can tell them, and I am so very thankful for them. They are what keep me going.
No, I'm afraid this is just one of those "this isn't where I saw myself at age 32" kind of moments. It's a spiritual emptiness that comes from realizing that in a lot of ways you're not any closer to achieving the life that you want for yourself and the person or people you care about than you were ten years ago. These days I make more money than I used to (it would almost be hard not to), and I have collected a few of the accoutrements of professional and material success; I have many people who care about me a great deal, I have a law degree, I have passed the state bar exam in two states, I own my own home, and if I haven't yet earned the professional respect of my colleagues then at least I also don't seem to merit their obvious contempt, which is actually saying something in the legal profession.
And yet tonight I just can't seem to get away from a nagging thought: Every day that passes is one that I will never get back. Does it make sense to live for five days in a row by feeding yourself the thought "maybe I'll get to do something I want to do this weekend"? Does it make sense to simply put our heads down and try our best to plow through 50 weeks a year to earn the privilege of two weeks a year spent doing what we want to do? It feels so empty. Why is it that when we are children we are told "you can be anything you want to be" instead of "you will probably find that you are at least medicore in performing some marketable skill that is unenjoyable enough that someone will agree to give you money in return for your agreeing to do it on a daily basis. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get enough money in exchange for a huge chunk of the precious, finite number of days you have on earth that you can afford a time-share in Palm Springs that you will get to see for two weeks a year. But don't count on it."
This is a feeling that I grapple with from time to time. Maybe I'm just spoiled by a life of relative ease. After all, I'm sure 99%+ of all the people who have ever lived didn't get to spend their days doing whatever they felt was fulfilling to them as individuals. Most people have to spend their lives working at something that, all other things being equal, they would rather not do. Whether it's working in the fields all day or putting on a tie and going to the office, most of us renew our Faustian bargain daily, and we do it in the name of responsibility, obligation, ambition, whatever it is that gets us moving when the alarm goes off. But I do know that I just can't seem to shake this feeling that I've only got this one go-round and that every day I let a little piece of it dwindle away.
I don't know what the answer is; if I did, I wouldn't be up in the middle of the night writing this. I am certain that easy answers (you know, a weekend seminar, a degree from DeVry University, religion) won't help. It's late, and I'm going to try to go back to bed. I've got to be at work early in the morning. I take my obligations seriously. Still, at five or six o'clock tomorrow evening, will I be happy with what I have done with that small portion of the limited time that is given to me? Is all this really going somewhere? I mean somewhere I WANT to go? And what is the alternative? I don't know, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to figure it out tonight. I'd better try to get some sleep.
Maybe it has something to do with the New Year, or maybe it's the fact that I was looking in the mirror a little while ago and I realized how unmistakable my widow's peak is becoming. Or maybe it's just the lingering effects of a virus that I've been trying to shake for days now. But whatever the reason, it's nearly 11:00 p.m. on a school night, I have to go back to work in the morning, and I just can't seem to get to sleep. There's too much stuff running around in my head.
I'm sort of afraid that my girlfriend or a family member will read this (I'm told that they do check in occasionally) and think that this strange restlessness comes from some sort of dissatisfaction with them. Believe me, it doesn't. I love them all more than I can tell them, and I am so very thankful for them. They are what keep me going.
No, I'm afraid this is just one of those "this isn't where I saw myself at age 32" kind of moments. It's a spiritual emptiness that comes from realizing that in a lot of ways you're not any closer to achieving the life that you want for yourself and the person or people you care about than you were ten years ago. These days I make more money than I used to (it would almost be hard not to), and I have collected a few of the accoutrements of professional and material success; I have many people who care about me a great deal, I have a law degree, I have passed the state bar exam in two states, I own my own home, and if I haven't yet earned the professional respect of my colleagues then at least I also don't seem to merit their obvious contempt, which is actually saying something in the legal profession.
And yet tonight I just can't seem to get away from a nagging thought: Every day that passes is one that I will never get back. Does it make sense to live for five days in a row by feeding yourself the thought "maybe I'll get to do something I want to do this weekend"? Does it make sense to simply put our heads down and try our best to plow through 50 weeks a year to earn the privilege of two weeks a year spent doing what we want to do? It feels so empty. Why is it that when we are children we are told "you can be anything you want to be" instead of "you will probably find that you are at least medicore in performing some marketable skill that is unenjoyable enough that someone will agree to give you money in return for your agreeing to do it on a daily basis. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get enough money in exchange for a huge chunk of the precious, finite number of days you have on earth that you can afford a time-share in Palm Springs that you will get to see for two weeks a year. But don't count on it."
This is a feeling that I grapple with from time to time. Maybe I'm just spoiled by a life of relative ease. After all, I'm sure 99%+ of all the people who have ever lived didn't get to spend their days doing whatever they felt was fulfilling to them as individuals. Most people have to spend their lives working at something that, all other things being equal, they would rather not do. Whether it's working in the fields all day or putting on a tie and going to the office, most of us renew our Faustian bargain daily, and we do it in the name of responsibility, obligation, ambition, whatever it is that gets us moving when the alarm goes off. But I do know that I just can't seem to shake this feeling that I've only got this one go-round and that every day I let a little piece of it dwindle away.
I don't know what the answer is; if I did, I wouldn't be up in the middle of the night writing this. I am certain that easy answers (you know, a weekend seminar, a degree from DeVry University, religion) won't help. It's late, and I'm going to try to go back to bed. I've got to be at work early in the morning. I take my obligations seriously. Still, at five or six o'clock tomorrow evening, will I be happy with what I have done with that small portion of the limited time that is given to me? Is all this really going somewhere? I mean somewhere I WANT to go? And what is the alternative? I don't know, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to figure it out tonight. I'd better try to get some sleep.
posted by Yukon Sully | 10:48 PM
3 Comments:
hang in there, bro. i go through the same kind of thing every now and then. i'm pretty sure everyone does. moreover, there are a LOT of 32-year-olds that would like to be in your shoes. meditating on the positive aspects of your life can be a big help. the mind is a very powerful thing.
Yukon--I know exactly how that feels. One thing to do is write down everything you would like to do before you are 35 or whatever age you want, mine is 35. Check your list often and cross things off. Make every effort to do them all before you turn that age. My list has a lot of conquering my fears, for example roller coasters or riding horses. Two of my big ones. I know I sound like a wimp, but you know me. :)
Yeah, thanks guys. Sometimes you just have those days where you feel like you aren't doing things right. I'm actually happy with my job and my life, but you just have nights like that sometimes.
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